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I realise that my journal in primarily meloncholy(?) in mood. Maybe that's because I'm sleepy when I write in it. I've been learning about Socialist Realism and the instalments and reactions it illicited at the ending of the USSR. I'm really turned on by this artist, I think his name is Kabakov and his massive installations- that trick people so they don't even know they're in one. I'm really into the obviously contrived fake cultural stereotype image by concensus - the exibit of painting by numbers with their most popular and least popular pieces are probably the most fantasitc paintings I've seen- maybe ever. It's art by concensus that looks suspiciously bizarre and too 'perfect'. It gets my brain going, while I love the traditional art of the ages- damn there's something about that powerful tie to the relevent stuff of the now! I can't help but be excited and sometimes I have so many ideas I don't know where to begin. Then again I lack focus, I spend most of my time being lonely or working on day to day stuff to get really going and inspired. I read something recently I really liked, it was about how for every piece or art, music, writing, or whatever that attains notice, people never think of the loneliness of the creative experience that afords people time to create masterpieces. I have done stuff and I don't know where it ultimately is going, I'm amazed that people can actually label shit or list it or program atuff or whatever and it is all art! Somehow I was thinking in a very limited way. About the masters and the forms and so on. I'm currently thinking about the pages of collage books that were the only things Soviet artists could carry of their work, having lost mine I can understand, but the way they laid them out was like an interior designer would lay out a room! I've always thought about it in a very "try to get it all in way- rather than that my mental processes extenuating to other future works could be shaped by doing this collage/scrapbooking stuff. Maybe I am feeling isolated because my brain is going but there's no one around who's going there too. Not a mirror or a parrot - just themselves. Easier said than done. How do smart people do it- the more you learn the more exclusive your knowledge base becomes the fewer people can you connect with- I know it has been said ' not everyone can do it all for everybody all the time- but I still don't get it because I don't want to.

Deeply- I want to believe in magic, the unexplainable, and doing anything I set my mind to but it seems paradoxically easier and harder all the time.